Congratulations, You Have Found A Woman!

Last month female games writer Emma Boyes praised Saints Row: The Third for its liberal take on gender roles, sparking 16-pages of Internet retaliation when somebody found out a girl was tricking them into reading 9 paragraphs of feminism that wasn’t book-ended with a cheeky under-tit. Brave IGN users stood together in a moment of solidarity in case Boyes started swinging tampons around fast enough to trigger Naomi Kyle’s sleeper agent alarm, after inconveniencing them with the thought of a world where women ask to wear trousers in a game.

As a woman myself I am a gentle vessel of emotion. So attuned am I to the spiritual angst of mankind that every complaint on an IGN board cuts me like thousand sharpened pencils, so when I sense the cosmic howl of Internet men hit my deeper chakra I have to drop my groceries and purge in front of a picture of Ollie Murs I’ve grafted to my wall. That’s why I’ve come up with this easy-to-use guide to save IGN users from ever being accosted by articles inspired by the living memory of Alanis Morrisette songs again. Finally, men can feel safe knowing that they will be able to identify potential girls on the Internet without having to offend their senses by accidentally reading some sort of Womens Studies polemics ever again.