Bad Email

Hello there, nothing interesting has happened to me in the last two weeks. Sorry about that.

However I did have something interesting to write about when last night in the middle of the street my poodle decided to jump in to my face using the force of his entire fucking skull. A less discreet person would have let all of the blood pooling in their frontal lobe spurt out through their mouth and eyes but ever vigilant I kept a tight upper lip and walked right passed the twelve year old twats pointing at me from their yard, using my whole right arm to shield them from seeing my eye slowly drip down my cheek.

Unfortunately with all of the impending brain damage that I’m starting to experience, the pieces of teeth now firmly lodged down in my spinal cord, the flashing lights of pain and agony I see every time I stand up and the drooling, slack chinned joy I’ve gotten from discovering an entire full bottle of Advil in my cupboard I’ve sort of forgotten the rest of the details. Oh well.

In other news mystery emails are brilliant. Ignoring that I’m probably now riddled to my cheeks with Trojans and keyloggers, getting email from people I’ve literally never heard of feels as exciting and confusing as being Gene Hackman in The Conversation or David Hemmings in Blow-up, only with far less saxophones/sex, respectively.

I received this the other night:

From

Noelle Vainikka ngracev@gmail.com
to

emilyface emilyface@gmail.com
subject

aargh!

studioworks is still down!!!!! starting to make me a little pissy, but nothing i can’t deal with, right? whatever. how’s arizona? another beautiful sunny day in mounds view minnesota! i pretended it was actually spring, and wore capris to work… let me know if you hear anything from nicolle… what she wants us to work on, et cetera. feel free to give her my email, or whatever.

xo noelle grace

I think it’s probably unlikely that even after getting hit in the head with a dog I’d forget if I’ve been to Arizona. I’m intrigued anyway; I’m still interested to find out whether she was indeed a human being or a clever virus ploy or something. But I’m not really sure what the typical email etiquette is with emailing people who might be robot virus technology so I suppose it sort of seemed reasonable to write under the guise of Sarah Saschaman, director of the technocult Emily Face Tech which will supply Emily faces to the future survivors of the dark, grim apocalypse who will probably have the misfortune of losing their faces from radiation.

Hello there Noelle Grace,

You have been directed to a representative of Emily Face Tech. This is current director of Emily Face Tech, Sarah Saschaman. It appears you have accidentally accessed the email account of Emily Face Tech, located in the small village Bristol, Germany not Arizona. Yes, that’s the Bristol! Home of the famous cake matches, which I’m sure you’ve heard of.

Are you interested in an Emily Face? If you wish to hear information about Emily Face Tech and our currently unapproved, earth shattering new products please feel free to contact us again! As the trans-grapefruit-effects on what we term the “surplus” quadrant of the brain are still being tested, Emily Face technologies and products are currently being offered for free!

I’m sorry that Studioworks is still down.

Sarah Saschaman,
director of Emily Face Tech

 

I was hoping she’d reply at some point but it seems unlikely.
God my head hurts. I’m going to lay down and cry BLOOD.

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About DreadfulBlog
A devilish combination of slightly bored and quite hungry

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