Catfish

Hello Yaniv Schulman!

I have just watched your documentary film on meeting women from the Internet, award nominated Catfish. This hit me at a core that has previously been hidden under layers of muddy ignorance.

Yaniv I think I am in love. His name is Bryont. We met when I was looking for a replacement hand surgeon on an Internet forum. My bright womanly pupils catching his lanky locks. My firm woman mouth chapped and burning with static electricity after practicing kissing on my monitor screen.

Bryont is a successful and expert doctor of eyes.

Here is a picture he sent me from his Apple iPhone of his colleague Doctor Bruno Motorcycle and their secretary Aqua.

It didn’t encode right and he says it was in a weird format like 736×333 so I can only make out his hot bod when I squint, and at that point it’s like staring at him in stereoscopic 3D and I have to lie down.

Bryont is also firmly in touch with his feelings! His heart is so big he once adopted a small deformed man he found selling candles outside a recycling centre in Beijing. Here is his adopted son Ziggy who he had hired in his hospital to also sell candles.

Ziggy loved candles! Bryont was teaching him to say the word by coaxing him with pieces tin on account of his teething but unfortunately before he could learn it one of the nurses gave him the wrong sort of tin and he got so excited he had to be put down.

Yaniv, sometimes I love Bryont so hard I hurt myself. He has invited me to live with him in his barn but after seeing your show I begin to ask myself: is he too good to be true?

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Arise Fair Havisham

Havisham wants you to lay your eggs in her, then she’ll recharge and refuel on the liquid in your spine.

The image above is a still taken from my playthrough of The Sims 2 from 2009. It’s a picture of Havisham, a character whose fame rose to such heights that she even got published in the glossy pages of this magazine which is read by over three people. Havisham was the star attraction, the lusty pink siren, of my response-playthrough to something that was called simply “Alice and Kev,” a “Sims drama” by Robin Burkinshaw that made the rounds on the blog circuit for being an “emotional” take on Sims’ gameplay. Alice and Kev was a mawkish human interest story about homeless people and how they live in fields.

Havisham and Morrissey was basically an EastEnders subplot about building a house with three rooms and repeatedly ordering babies over the phone so Havisham could rack up maternity leave cheques. You can read it Here and Here and Here.

But the heart and soul of the series was Havisham’s face. Thanks to Sims 2’s awesome customisation settings I could create a Havisham whose eyes said “I have neurofibromatosis” but whose lips read“big lovin’”. The character creator was made up of a series of sliders that could be slid so far in either direction that her mouth could start receding into her chin leaving only a faint Mona Lisa smile of polygon clipping. Her nose could be extended out to look like a giant flaccid cock that arched past her jaw.

Which is why it’s a shame that by Sims 3 and now Sims Medieval the guys over at Maxis have been bated into the limiting world of normal realistic bone structure. Sims Medieval’s character tech is an extension of what we saw in S3 – something that made all of my characters look vat-grown to perfection.

Thanks to new inclusions such as the nebulous sounding “next gen Sims tech” the most I could squeeze out of my latest Medieval creation, L.L. Crusades, was an faint eye tilt that made him look a quarter less royally inbred than I originally aimed for. Which means on average 40% of all character creations will instantly result in the Princess Bride’s Carey Elwes.

Lucky for you I’ve come up with a few alternative ideas to help you out in your time of character creation need, full with backstory and pre-picked character traits.

Sim Elfin Randy Newman

Traits:

Creative Cook

Bloodthirsty

Sim Elfin Randy Newman was a secret orphan and now he kills whales for fun. He assaults them with droll songs about how crazy the world is until they beach themselves and bake like pies. He will sing softly and cradle them in his arms until they fall into a dry sleep, then he will unhinge his jaw and swallow them whole like longpigs so they’re part of him forever. Randy Newman hasn’t made an album in three years because he’s been too busy filing his teeth to points. His favourite colour is Ochre and his blood type is None.

Sims Creator Will Wright  

Traits:

Friendly

Compulsive Gambler

Wright can transport himself into games at will. He’s made from 70% nanites, 12% leaves. What makes up the rest? No one knows and we’re not supposed to ask. Once he fired an employee after catching an inquisitive gleam in their eye and instantly turned them into a pillar of salt. Now he roams the galaxy in search of a mate, and once a season shoots his spores out of his cock and into a black hole to help populate the universe. Sim Will Wright has a Constitution of +3800 and can pull off wearing hats.

Celebrity Mel Gibson


Traits:

Haggler

Uncouth

Mel Gibson ate a full bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and has fallen into a coma-sleep that’s sent him back in time. Mel woke up in a field and now is on a quest to kill every bear in the kingdom – it’s not personal, but he hates them because they’re black.

Redux

I haven’t written a proper blog post since about 2008 so don’t be fooled by the rest of the content on this site. It might look like spent January 26th writing exactly 19 posts about milk going off but I lifted them all from my defunct Livejournal to make it look like I actually blog regularly. As if I have time to write about milk these days. Anyway, this is back live and running. Hello!

Bath

Like a young Christina Aguillera, my heart said no, but my body said let’s go when I bought about a pint of egg-salad sandwich spread the first day I stayed in Bath. Now my arteries are coated with Marks & Spencer freerange arterial plaque and it’s so good. Some people dismiss egg as a lesser sandwich filling but it pretty much perfectly compliments the feeling of thick, nauseous fucking fear you get when you’re starting a new job. So between eating egg-filling in sandwiches, and spooning egg-filling into my mouth with the one teaspoon the Travelodge supplied me with, what I remember of going to Bath is pretty much limited to eggs.

But if you haven’t actually been to Bath before, it’s really lovely and I really suggest you head over there for a day. It’s the kind of city where legally midgets need to be forced to live and dress up as elves. There’s even a part of it called Lilliput Lane. In fact, so far Bath is sort of the Yin to Southampton’s Thatcherian pisshole Yang. Because where S. seemed to be the operational headquarters for England’s chavs and old ships, Bath is definitely populated by fairies, and combined that pretty much makes up my mental image of Blighty.

It turned out the job at Xbox World 360 went really decently in the end. It basically involved writing endlessly while being told I’m not actually shit: my two favourite things. I wrote some rubbish about Crysis 2, so when that hits the shelves feel free to email the editor to tell him I am the heart and soul of that magazine and that reading my article taught you to love again.

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