Arise Fair Havisham

Havisham wants you to lay your eggs in her, then she’ll recharge and refuel on the liquid in your spine.

The image above is a still taken from my playthrough of The Sims 2 from 2009. It’s a picture of Havisham, a character whose fame rose to such heights that she even got published in the glossy pages of this magazine which is read by over three people. Havisham was the star attraction, the lusty pink siren, of my response-playthrough to something that was called simply “Alice and Kev,” a “Sims drama” by Robin Burkinshaw that made the rounds on the blog circuit for being an “emotional” take on Sims’ gameplay. Alice and Kev was a mawkish human interest story about homeless people and how they live in fields.

Havisham and Morrissey was basically an EastEnders subplot about building a house with three rooms and repeatedly ordering babies over the phone so Havisham could rack up maternity leave cheques. You can read it Here and Here and Here.

But the heart and soul of the series was Havisham’s face. Thanks to Sims 2’s awesome customisation settings I could create a Havisham whose eyes said “I have neurofibromatosis” but whose lips read“big lovin’”. The character creator was made up of a series of sliders that could be slid so far in either direction that her mouth could start receding into her chin leaving only a faint Mona Lisa smile of polygon clipping. Her nose could be extended out to look like a giant flaccid cock that arched past her jaw.

Which is why it’s a shame that by Sims 3 and now Sims Medieval the guys over at Maxis have been bated into the limiting world of normal realistic bone structure. Sims Medieval’s character tech is an extension of what we saw in S3 – something that made all of my characters look vat-grown to perfection.

Thanks to new inclusions such as the nebulous sounding “next gen Sims tech” the most I could squeeze out of my latest Medieval creation, L.L. Crusades, was an faint eye tilt that made him look a quarter less royally inbred than I originally aimed for. Which means on average 40% of all character creations will instantly result in the Princess Bride’s Carey Elwes.

Lucky for you I’ve come up with a few alternative ideas to help you out in your time of character creation need, full with backstory and pre-picked character traits.

Sim Elfin Randy Newman

Traits:

Creative Cook

Bloodthirsty

Sim Elfin Randy Newman was a secret orphan and now he kills whales for fun. He assaults them with droll songs about how crazy the world is until they beach themselves and bake like pies. He will sing softly and cradle them in his arms until they fall into a dry sleep, then he will unhinge his jaw and swallow them whole like longpigs so they’re part of him forever. Randy Newman hasn’t made an album in three years because he’s been too busy filing his teeth to points. His favourite colour is Ochre and his blood type is None.

Sims Creator Will Wright  

Traits:

Friendly

Compulsive Gambler

Wright can transport himself into games at will. He’s made from 70% nanites, 12% leaves. What makes up the rest? No one knows and we’re not supposed to ask. Once he fired an employee after catching an inquisitive gleam in their eye and instantly turned them into a pillar of salt. Now he roams the galaxy in search of a mate, and once a season shoots his spores out of his cock and into a black hole to help populate the universe. Sim Will Wright has a Constitution of +3800 and can pull off wearing hats.

Celebrity Mel Gibson


Traits:

Haggler

Uncouth

Mel Gibson ate a full bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and has fallen into a coma-sleep that’s sent him back in time. Mel woke up in a field and now is on a quest to kill every bear in the kingdom – it’s not personal, but he hates them because they’re black.

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About DreadfulBlog
A devilish combination of slightly bored and quite hungry

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