Congratulations, You Have Found A Woman!

Last month female games writer Emma Boyes praised Saints Row: The Third for its liberal take on gender roles, sparking 16-pages of Internet retaliation when somebody found out a girl was tricking them into reading 9 paragraphs of feminism that wasn’t book-ended with a cheeky under-tit. Brave IGN users stood together in a moment of solidarity in case Boyes started swinging tampons around fast enough to trigger Naomi Kyle’s sleeper agent alarm, after inconveniencing them with the thought of a world where women ask to wear trousers in a game.

As a woman myself I am a gentle vessel of emotion. So attuned am I to the spiritual angst of mankind that every complaint on an IGN board cuts me like thousand sharpened pencils, so when I sense the cosmic howl of Internet men hit my deeper chakra I have to drop my groceries and purge in front of a picture of Ollie Murs I’ve grafted to my wall. That’s why I’ve come up with this easy-to-use guide to save IGN users from ever being accosted by articles inspired by the living memory of Alanis Morrisette songs again. Finally, men can feel safe knowing that they will be able to identify potential girls on the Internet without having to offend their senses by accidentally reading some sort of Womens Studies polemics ever again.

Dinner with Kudo

Kinect’s creative director takes you on a one-on-one night-out in his living room…

Hey queers and button-pressing fans, Internet famous Kudo Tsunoda here.

You know, people are always asking me, “Kudo, how did you go from making Fight Night: Round 3 to being creative director of Kinect?” and I tell them “Cliffy,” because I’m usually talking to my friend Cliff Bleszinski, “It’s because I’m qualified.” We have a good laugh, but you’d really have to be there if you know what I mean. I’m creative director of Kinect because I can kick your ass. I have a six foot vertical leap.

KRANG! You hear that? That’s the gong of change I’m ringing. KRANG.

One day you will be able to open up a browser window by rotating your pelvis at exactly 8 cycles per second. Get off your ass, asshole, I’m coming for you. The future is coming for you and I love the future. Sometimes I love it so much I get a hard on and pass out. Sometimes I’ll wait outside a Safeway for hours until a girl comes out just so I can show her Kinect in my living room, to expand her mind. That’s why I love the future.

Hey weaksauce, I also have sex all the time with girls. I’ve done it over 60 times, easy. I’ve got a girlfriend. Her name’s Biancla. Bam. She’s an amateur boxer at Kato’s Punch N Chew so I invited her to star in photos with me while I promoted Fight Night: Round 3. I found her next to a DDR Machine in 1998 and I’ve only seen one girl better looking than her and that was on a forum. Her face reminded me of the time I beat Cliff Bleszinski’s high-score on Def Jam: Icon, which was also beautiful.

Biancla comes to my house on Mondays to spot me while I do rude push-ups. Working out is important for three things: the ladies, lifting things, and video games. Any sexual dynamo will tell you this. Biancla and I practice all three by making love while I play Street Fighter IV. I’ve got my Vega impression down and Biancla’s been studying Chun-Li to train in some moves. She wanted to be Balrog but Kudo’s not down for that, girl. Afterward I take her out to Applebee’s, my treat. Kudo’s got a lifetime coupon to Applebee’s, buy three frozen margheritas and the chicken fingers comes free. She barely speaks a word of English, which gets embarrassing when she keeps trying to order a passport from the bar.

Together we’re going to rule the future like Tina Turner in Thunderdome. And from the future I’m going to come to your door and punch your controllers until their buttons spill out and you won’t be able to stop me because your thighs have atrophied and melted to your couch from pressing buttons all day, then I’m going to distend my gullet and eat every keyboard in your house. Hey what’s that sound? Wrong answer, shitlegs, it’s my meaty quad in your face.

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