Dinner with Kudo

Kinect’s creative director takes you on a one-on-one night-out in his living room…

Hey queers and button-pressing fans, Internet famous Kudo Tsunoda here.

You know, people are always asking me, “Kudo, how did you go from making Fight Night: Round 3 to being creative director of Kinect?” and I tell them “Cliffy,” because I’m usually talking to my friend Cliff Bleszinski, “It’s because I’m qualified.” We have a good laugh, but you’d really have to be there if you know what I mean. I’m creative director of Kinect because I can kick your ass. I have a six foot vertical leap.

KRANG! You hear that? That’s the gong of change I’m ringing. KRANG.

One day you will be able to open up a browser window by rotating your pelvis at exactly 8 cycles per second. Get off your ass, asshole, I’m coming for you. The future is coming for you and I love the future. Sometimes I love it so much I get a hard on and pass out. Sometimes I’ll wait outside a Safeway for hours until a girl comes out just so I can show her Kinect in my living room, to expand her mind. That’s why I love the future.

Hey weaksauce, I also have sex all the time with girls. I’ve done it over 60 times, easy. I’ve got a girlfriend. Her name’s Biancla. Bam. She’s an amateur boxer at Kato’s Punch N Chew so I invited her to star in photos with me while I promoted Fight Night: Round 3. I found her next to a DDR Machine in 1998 and I’ve only seen one girl better looking than her and that was on a forum. Her face reminded me of the time I beat Cliff Bleszinski’s high-score on Def Jam: Icon, which was also beautiful.

Biancla comes to my house on Mondays to spot me while I do rude push-ups. Working out is important for three things: the ladies, lifting things, and video games. Any sexual dynamo will tell you this. Biancla and I practice all three by making love while I play Street Fighter IV. I’ve got my Vega impression down and Biancla’s been studying Chun-Li to train in some moves. She wanted to be Balrog but Kudo’s not down for that, girl. Afterward I take her out to Applebee’s, my treat. Kudo’s got a lifetime coupon to Applebee’s, buy three frozen margheritas and the chicken fingers comes free. She barely speaks a word of English, which gets embarrassing when she keeps trying to order a passport from the bar.

Together we’re going to rule the future like Tina Turner in Thunderdome. And from the future I’m going to come to your door and punch your controllers until their buttons spill out and you won’t be able to stop me because your thighs have atrophied and melted to your couch from pressing buttons all day, then I’m going to distend my gullet and eat every keyboard in your house. Hey what’s that sound? Wrong answer, shitlegs, it’s my meaty quad in your face.

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About DreadfulBlog
A devilish combination of slightly bored and quite hungry

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